I seriously don't know anymore.
- What the hell are you doing?
- I trust you.
- Today was something else.
- Yes it was.
- You're weird.
- You're a meanie.
- I like you.
- I love you.
- It's not a joke.
- You are so annoying.
- Nothing, I just miss you.
- You have control over him since he likes you.
- That's not true.
- Yeah it is.
- Nothing, I just needed someone to talk to.
- Seriously, can we please stop this now?
- What would you do if I told you I wanted you as in for real? Would you still find it annoying?
- Can we please just stop this joke now? It's been going on for weeks...
- Would you still find me annoying if it were true?
- I don't know... Maybe?
- Okay.
Indefinite.
Adjective:
- Lasting for an unknown length of time: “indefinite detention”.
- Not clearly expressed or defined; vague: “their status remains indefinite”.
Synonyms: vague - indeterminate - uncertain - indistinct
Whatever will be, will be.
And still so far.
Nice.
Nice, nice. I seriously think I’m going through a phase… again.*sigh* A little like the one I had around 16 months ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long since then. I really had no idea things would go like this. Now, I’m sure that we did have an understanding then. That the entirety of it would just be between me and him, and whomever else we please with the exception of those whom we would be with constantly. Things would just go in all sorts of complicated if they knew and if we pursued this. We both know that. The song posted below is seriously in the feel of all this, too.
This is just different. You know how when something seems so great and no matter how much you’d love for things to develop, you’re okay with things being like this instead because you don’t want to lose it. All of this scares every fiber of you because you don’t want to mess up. It’s when you know that you have this tendency of messing good things up and this was just too special to even consider ruining. I’d rather keep you around all the time. I don’t want to lose “this” or y… yeah.
All that had to be hidden away, all that could not be said would be caught in between syllables and breaths as you looked at me and I looked at you. We smiled at each other and in that moment we both understood and knew. It is what it is. It was what it was.
Who knows if i’ll even feel this way next week or the next day, all I know is this is how it is right now… (aaand that previous sentence right up there is the perfect example of why things can go wrong and why this decision was made.)
Reality.
I can seriously feel just how tired I am from the entirety of my days now with every movement my eyes make, with every part of my body that longs for my bed, and with every fiber of my thoughts that can no longer take all of this. The only thing is, I have more than a month of this left and I have to stay strong through all of this because I know it’ll all be worth it.
As the days continue to get more challenging, I only learn more and more of the people around me and myself. Sometimes, it’s a little difficult to accept the reality of it all, which I cannot fully disclose here because it’s quite a personal matter of what I see and what I understand. All I can say is, all of it is a little more than a lot to take in. When I dwell on the thought of it all too much, I just find myself lost between what I want to believe and what I already know.
When the term ends, I need just one whole day to myself. Maybe that one whole day could be in my room, around our village, a place I have never been to before or any place I would feel like going to on that day. I really do think I need this, you know? It’s just gonna be my kind of “fresh air” then and there.
Someday.
021512
It was Valentine’s Day yesterday and I can definitely say it was the first time I really felt just how single I was on Valentine’s Day. =)) I mean, you see so many happy couples holding hands, hugging, and being all sweet, all throughout the day, how can you not feel single? Seriously. :)) Not being bitter or anything but really just being more aware about it, as ridiculous as it may seem.
This post isn’t really about Valentine’s Day, but more of what you celebrate on that day. I have this good friend who’s in a relationship right now, and I can definitely say that he’s sure about his current girlfriend already. Well, technically, they’re both sure of each other, which I find very amazing. In all honesty, you don’t find couples like that anymore, at least not at our age.
They call each other life partner already. They see each other almost everyday because even though they’re from other universities, my friend would go to her and take her home, usually no matter the time. He’s also planning on getting her an infinity ring for her 18th birthday or their anniversary or something, even though he already got her a very expensive necklace. Things like relationships with all the commitment and attachment sort of freak me out a bit. Not because I’m scared like that but committing myself to someone seems like such a big deal that I don’t really know what to make of it. I guess that I’m just not the kind of person that believes or thinks that one person could complete me or complete my life. Maybe this won’t be forever, but right now I’m gonna enjoy being 17.
I have recently realized, with all those thoughts I have noted above, that this is one of the reasons why I’m not with anyone. Many have come and gone, and I just let it all happen. I had many reasons behind all of that too, them being we’re too young; we just really like each other when we’re lonely; you only like the thought of me; I only see you as a friend; you deserve to be someone who makes you their first choice, not their filler… and so on.
I don’t really consider myself lucky when it comes to these things, my most used reason is “I only see you as a friend” and the thing is when I finally see someone as more than a friend, and there’s something there that we both act upon, something always gets in the way or makes things complicated. When you have other things going on in your life, it’s a lot easier to let go of these things but sooner or later, you’ll really get the feel some of them and it’ll still make a mark.
All I can say is that someday, there’s going to be the one that’s worth it, the one that’s more than you could ever truly ask for and the one that makes you feel happy, safe and comfortable in whatever you look in front of him. Whenever all these kinds of things fall into place, will be up to Him. All we have to do is wait it out and enjoy the ride we have till we get there.
Getting Back.
013112
And so went by the first month of 2012.
Third term is moving pretty fast. Maybe too fast actually and as what many others claim, this is when students normally rethink all of the major decisions they have made to get this far. And what can I say, they’re right. But you have to stay strong to get through these kinds of things. You need to be with the people who bring out the best in you and I’m going to make all of this work one step at a time.
As I pledge to do my best work on myself and my studies, I realize that right now I have to let a lot of things go or at least leave them behind for the mean time to get my life straight, to get it back on track. The sacrifices I’ll be making will cost me, as technically they always do but they’ll be worth it. And if there comes a time when I’ll be more than ready to handle everything but there were opportunities that have already left, I’ll understand. That’s how it works and if I could work on it by then, I would. But right now, I have other things in mind.
To my dearest Joelle,
I don’t know if you still visit my page or what but I just wanted you to know how lucky I am to have you in my life. I’m so glad you’re happy now because you really deserve. You’re so precious, you know that? I missed you so much. Seeing you happy the last two times we were with each other, it made me so glad to see you that way. You’re an angel. Really, you are. I wish I had more time to hang out and be with you. I want a Starbucks date. I want it as many times as we can. I would really really want you to have a date with me in the new Starbucks Agno, the one that’s sort of within our campus, at least once within the year. THIS HAS TO HAPPEN SOMEHOW. I have so many stories to tell you but they can actually wait, what I really want is to just be with you. Even in just silence, it would still be great for me, I’m sure. I’d love to hear all your great stories. I’m sure they’re so full of meaning and life and I really need that right now. I’ve been going off track lately, I guess it’s just a little hard to keep up. I don’t really blame anyone but circumstance. That’s just how it is sometimes. Well, actually I do sort of blame myself for not having the ability of control when I know that if I fight hard enough it can be attained. Just so you know, sweetie, you’re one of the things that I will use to be my guide and inspiration to do better. Thank you for that amazing flower above. I love you. Oh, and another thing, I hope that you’ve known from the very beginning that my love for you and this friendship we have, quite like that flower, will never lose its color, will never wilt and will forever be kept safe. <3
My life lately :)
To be more specific, photographs of the things that have happened in my life this month that I have not yet talked about here. :))
Clearly, there’s more to the story of those photos than just their caption, maybe someday soon, i’ll write about them here :)
I’d probably agree that these things describe almost every girl’s dream guy but in my most honest opinion, we often make the mistake of looking for this perfect being that when it seems that there’s this person who is finally in your life, you think of nothing else but how it would be to be with them that you almost make it your goal. I’ve seen it happen in people. It’s quite sad. Why? Simply because you don’t fall in love with that person exactly, you fall in love with your idea of him or her, and that’s how it’ll be because of how it all began… and in the end, all you can do is convince yourself otherwise.
Nope, not heartbroken, haha. Just very observant.
please?
(Source: klein-jeen)
